Dumpster Diving and Sabrina

Today was really a busy day for me.  I had a lot going on.  After Tammy left for work, I went to get my hair cut, ran by the library to renew my card, and raided all the neighborhood recycle bins for magazines.  My students have to make collages this week, and we need magazines to cut up.  So yeah, I was kinda dumpster diving.  
     It was really funny because as people drove by, they gave me these peculiar looks.  Like why is that guy in the trash.  I even had one person scream obscenities as they sped by.  I'm not sure what the point of that was, but I was on a mission.  I figured if anybody questioned me about it, all I had to do is explain I threw something important away and I had to look for it.  Education is important, and someone did throw those magazines out...so it wasn't really a lie.
     Anyway, by the time I decided to go shopping for clothes I was a tussled mess.  I didn't really smell like anything except maybe the powder my barber uses to dust away stray hair.  I first stopped at Peebles, and discovered they don't cater to fat people (That is an entirely different rant for me).  So I drove to St. Louis where I met Sabrina.
      Sabrina is a sales girl for a shop I love to visit for clothes.  I met her today and I was completely enchanted.  Totally bowled over.  At first, I thought she was "with" another guy in the store.  So I waited by the sports jerseys to talk to the guy on the register.  I'm one of those shoppers that has to have an opinion about the clothes I'm about to buy.  Tammy had to work, so one sided or not, I wanted help and an opinion.  
      I guess Sabrina noticed I was standing around.  I started poking around the clearance rack and she asked if she could help me.  I was a little surprised.  "Oh, do you work here?"  Duh!  Why would she offer to help me if she didn't.  She was quiet about it as she peered at me through some kitschy glasses.  
      "Yes."  Her voice was soft and almost inaudible, but that still didn't stop me from stammering like a fool.  
     "I thought you were with him."  Silence.  Blank look.  "Ummm, well, I'm kinda wondering what size shirt I should get, I mean do you have a tape measure or something so I can pick a shirt to buy?"  
      "Sure."   I had noticed her nice figure before when she was tending to the jock.  Yeah...totally threatened.  I was awkward and suddenly, on a day I didn't care what I looked like, (my t-shirt had holes from cats clawing through it)I was feeling really ugly.  
      She just grabbed a tape measure and wrapped it around my neck.  It was funny how I went on about gaining my summer weight and now my shirts from 3 months ago didn't really fit anymore.  I was so nervous.  I don't even know why.  I mean I hadn't entered the store expecting to be thunderstruck.  I awkwardly kept putting my hands in the way ang giggled like a freshman trying to cover up the awkward situation.  
      Sabrina totally sensed I was nervous.  "Here, lets try this one."  She pulled a prepackaged shirt off the shelf and unwrapped it.  I totally didn't know you could try those on in the first place.  
      "I didn't know I could do that."  She just smiled and said something gentle like sure.  I pushed my arms clumsily through the sleeves and nervously fidgeted with the buttons.  The whole time, she stood there watching me holding the plastic wrapper.  She smiled and helped me with my collar and totally made me feel good about how I looked.  It was funny.
     Absently I turned and asked if it looked alright.  I always ask Tammy that.  
     "Yes, it looks great."  She smiled again.  I loved it.  Instead of saying something nice though, I reached for another packaged shirt.
     "Do you have these in black?"  I figured black was slimming, I had hoped to find a black one anyway.  
     As she started checking the only pile of black packaged shirts, I held the plastic and asked a few more dumb questions.  "What do these numbers mean. I know the 20 is the neck.  I thought 20 was the neck, but what are these?"  I was really asking that.  I like knowing useless stuff.
    "Where do you teach?"  She totally knew I was nervous about something.  
     We talked a while about that as I picked up packaged shirts and put them back down.  I turned them over once in a while, but did so pointlessly.  I learned she had no idea where Herculaneum was, and discovered we both love writing poetry.  
     I was really impressed with how helpful she was and how much we talked about writing and art and such, as if we were friends.  I am probably almost twice her age, but she still enchanted me.  It was kind of an intellectual attraction.  
      She rang me up and I saw on the receipt her name was Sabrina.  She knew my name because it came up in the computer after I entered my phone number.  I love the way she said it too.  She put my clothes in a bag and instead of just handing it to me, she brought it around the counter to me.  I left higher than a kite.  Really.  She made me smile inside and out.  And I was still the same fat man I was before.
      On my drive home I couldn't help think of what it would be like to hang out with her for a day.  I know we would have fun.  But I also couldn't help thinking that it would be cheating on Tammy.  I mean I know it's healthy to flirt with other people. I also know its okay for married people to have friends of the opposite sex.  Somehow though I was thinking about how I would explain to Tammy that I was just hanging out with Sabrina.   
      As I write this I can't help but think Tammy may read this and feel jealous.  I hope she isn't too jealous though.  I love her so much. I would never do anything to hurt her purposely.  She used to ask me all the time why I chose her.  She used to say I could get anybody I wanted to.  I think that has never been true, but I understand how she felt.  I never felt good enough for the opposite sex.  
      My answer to Tammy is always the same.  It's still true too.  Because she makes me feel loved.  I love her more than anything.  She is sweet, kind, patient, considerate, and so gentle.  Nobody ever taught me to love others the way she has.  Nobody ever accepted my weird differences the way she has.  Who would ever tolerate my moodiness, neediness or total anti-guyness.  I mean I don't know anything about sports, I love scrapbooking, love looking at dresses and imagining what it feels like to wear them, and can't stop buying crayons.  Tammy completes me in a way that even the most attractive woman in the world could never complete me.  She makes me feel so happy.  
      Anyway, back to Sabrina.  I never gave her my phone number.  I didn't call the store and talk to the manager about how helpful she was.  I didn't drive back to the store and tell her how I was feeling.  I only fell enchanted with her.  Maybe a little crushed, but nothing that would endanger my love for Tammy.  Was it bad of me to think of those things?  I don't think so.  I mean I already know, and did the only thing that was right.  I came home to Tammy.
      When all is said and done, I can't forget what I felt as I sat in a booth at Park College holding Tammy's hands and staring into her green eyes.  We cooed and whispered and talked.  People walked by and gagged.  She moved me more than Sabrina did today.  Even now, when I walk in to see her laying under a blanket with a T-Shirt pulled up over her nose, I know that she is the one for me.  God promised Tammy I'd be there for her forever.  He promised me she would too.   I love her.  And I doubt Sabrina, or any other girl, could do that.  
One day I may learn to have friends of the opposite sex without it getting all weird. Now my only female friends are my wife's friends.  Sure I know some online people, but I don't spend any real world time with anybody.  I don't feel comfortable hanging around the opposite sex without Tammy near.  
       Maybe I belong in a trash can.  Tammy, if you read this, I lov