I have been seeing a counselor. It's the greatest thing in the world I could do for myself. Here is what I have learned so far.
No one person is capable of loving another person if they don't love God first. (I am a protestant, but I have not walked close with God for a long time.) Since I have tried to seek love, acceptance, and respect from other people, rather than God, I have pushed God away. Ironically, God is the only one capable of giving me what I need.
I cannot give another person what they need no matter how whole I am. I can only be what God created in me and find happiness when I realize that another person in my life can only be how God created them. When I realize, believe and live that philosophy, I will be capable of happiness in a relationship.
My expectations are not fair. Ever. I can have dreams and wishes. I am allowed to have wants and desires. But if I seek those in people, I will be disappointed. However if I seek God's plan for me first, or at least love him with all my heart, I wont have any expectations. Then I will never be disappointed by people. Unfortunately only God is capable of that perfect love. However knowing this allows me to accept the faliure of others when they don't meet my expectations.
I cannot worry about what I did, did not do, or what if. I am where I am and I can only live for now.
I lived for 17 years shutting out external relationships. I thought I didn't need friends, a social life, or to do anything outside the home. I felt like I had everything I needed. But by excluding myself from others I avoided living the life I was meant to live. I became more and more dependent on one person. I also became more and more vulnerable because my confidence around others erroded. Now I am a victim of my own exclusion. Ironic!
I need friends who I can have fun with, hang out with laugh with, talk with, and live in the now with. I can't handle everything alone. If I could God wouldn't have put all these other people on the planet with me. Each and every person in my life is a blessing in one way or another. Even the casual smile from a stranger is a reflection of God's love for me. By basking in the life he created for me, I learn more and more to appreciate him.
Ahhh. I totally sound like I am delivering a sermon. I think I would make one heck of a minister. I'm a great motivational speaker.
Tomorrow I plan on introducing my students to Dave Barry. He was a columnist in Florida for a long time. He is an accomplished author and a comedian. He is hilarious! We are about to write 3 persuasive paragraphs and I plan on using his column to deliver some pretty funny examples.
Today was emotionally taxing for me. But just writing about the positive things makes me feel better.
Listening to: A Day No Pigs Would Die
Reading: The Chase (Cussler)
Watching: L & O CI
Playing: paper and ATCs